Get out of Stuck Excel is a personal blog to help people with their mindset.
Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)
But also a way for me to process events in my life. And this past weekend is one that will take a while to process.
My original plan this weekend was to complete my taxes, call my mother and wish her a happy mother’s day and enjoy a relaxing weekend. However when I got up on Saturday morning there was this one email that changed the weekend.
The message – call me ASAP on xxxxxxxxxx.
Deep swallow and I dialed the number to my cousin who informed me that my mother had died a few hours before. Now when you live half way around the world from your mother, you learn to say goodbye many times.
My amazing mother died peacefully after years of suffering from many things.
She is at peace and so am I.
So the death, taxes and mother’s day are explained but how about the stuck?
In dealing with the loss, grief and relief (I hate to see anyone suffer) I realized how stuck I had become because of my mother. My mother was an amazing women who as a child left Hungary to move to Canada. As the oldest, she traveled with her mother and brother on a ship often acting as the communicator. As the eldest, there was a lot expected of her and she lived up to those expectations most of her life.
But she did know what guilt and regret were and she used both as a cudgel and a whip when I got out of line (which I did often).
Yes, we had our challenges. Yes, my mother was both my role model and my demon. And until yesterday, I had failed to realize how much of what she expected from me I had really achieved. I kept thinking that I disappointed her and while I often did, I choose to believe that she was proud of me.
But I got stuck on the disapproval and the desire for her to control me and bend me to her will. And that just was impossible.
And so I write about the wonderful person who did her best to raise a loving child. Perhaps a child who was never quite as grateful as the mother wanted her to be, but who knew she was loved even when not overly liked.
And that is the key to the message today.
Love and approval are sometimes exclusive things.
You can love someone without approving, acknowledging or accepting them completely.
You can love without understanding. I learned many years ago that she was doing her best with what she thought to be the right thing to do.
The release from being stuck by her need to control me and make me do what she expected today is triggered. The freedom from worry about her health and well being are removed. And today I can move forward and excel because I realize the wonderful gifts and talents I was given and I inherited.
Thank you Mom for being the best you that you could be. I am grateful that I was your daughter even though you often told me that others were a better daughter than I was. I miss you. Be at peace
Roberta
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