Do assumptions get you stuck?
Especially during holidays and special occasions.
These are times when we become emotionally vulnerable. When our assumptions and expectations of ourselves and others increase and tensions cause us stress and emotional collapse.
Many years ago I had lots of expectations about the holidays and the new year but I learned through experience that I rarely assumed right about what people would do, say or give me.
Since mid December, I have had contact with a number of people about how their relationships are in trouble. The reason:- they were making assumptions about the other person‘s feelings because of some act or deed.
Or worse, there was shock that someone was not behaving as expected.
Is there any way around getting stuck by our assumptions when we are emotionally vulnerable?
Yes but only if you are willing to risk asking the other person about what is going on. Or you can just accept that you and the other person are on different planets.
When I first read John Gray‘s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” I laughed so hard at his assertions that I cried. But then I thought about how we stereotype people, especially the differences in men and women and I cried harder because we are taught to assume that just because they are a particular sex they will behave in a particular way.
I remember in school learning that little boys do things in particular ways and were to be forgiven because they were boys or lads as they got older. Girls were expected to behave differently and when they misbehaved they were bad girls.
My upbringing tended to increase my assumptions about how people would behave in situations. I was carefully taught that if someone said something about me it was true. If someone did something to me, then I deserved it.
BUT – I have learned that assuming I deserve gets me stuck.
I have learned and constantly have to remind myself that when I assume that when someone behaves differently then I expected, it does not mean that they do not love or like me or even care.
When you are emotionally vulnerable, watch your assumptions.
Go with the flow but hold firm to the tiller and go in the direction that suits you.
Keep control of yourself. It is really the ONLY thing you can ever control.
And to get out of stuck and excel in situations where you feel vulnerable, keep in mind that the other person may be feeling as stuck and vulnerable as your are.
What assumptions have you made lately that stressed you out?
Oh and watch out – Valentine’s Day is coming…….
Roberta
Simplifier, Presenter, Mentor
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Such a nice text! Sometimes I totally feel the same. Assuming gets me totally stuck, I just can’t handle it. I’m an introverted person, usually I broke under the big expectations. I just feel that everyday I’m getting older and the expectations getting larger. I hope one day I will learn to handle these situations because I know I could be stronger…
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It is never an easy journey to learn to handle assuming. Keep growing and you will succeed eventually
The situation I had made an assumption in has now been met with separation. I did ask for clarification and received it — Unfortunately, it was months later as it came to the inbox of an email address I hadn’t used in nearly a year, but for some reason had been called to check it one morning. No, not easy to deal with; however, with a good set of tools, I am now on the other side.
Thanks for asking the question, Roberta.
It is not always easy PeggyLee. Interesting how you got the answer. Sometimes the way things unfold are a mystery which makes reducing assumptions even more critical to our mental health.
I find that sometimes my assumptions surprise me in a good way. While other times I tell myself, why did I assume anything. Behavior in others is always a tough one not to assume anything. As you say Roberta, the way we are brought up is how we see things and how to handle them. I remember my mom always telling us that any man with a beard could not be trusted. So I always have assumed men with beards are not to be trusted. Weird, huh?!
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I remember hearing that one about beards too Lynn. It almost prevented me from getting to know someone who was dating a friend of mine at university. The assumption is not what is bad as we do all make them. It is behaving as if they were true and then getting disappointed and upset when events turn out differently/
Hey Roberta,
This is something we had studied a lot about during our psychology classes. One thing we tend to do in the initial days of counseling is we tend to assume a lot about our clients (This might be true to some extent even after years of practice) and what I did was make a list of those assumptions on paper for each individual I met. Then slowly as I move on with the procedure or therapy or what ever it might be, I contrast each assumption and see what is proven right and how much is wrong. The high number of incorrect assumptions always reminds me that yes, assumptions CAN be false and it is not the right thing to base our judgement on. Makes the working more logical and organized. Though this may be true for other aspects, we need to recognize that we are assuming. Also, ASSUME always makes an ASS out of U and ME!
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Hajra, I think one of the hardest things counsellers, coaches, therapists and other professionals need to learn is how to assess their assumptions. Medical professionals often jump to conclusions based on assumptions. I think often times specialists do to. I have worked with many people who come in to work with a company and they are trying to fix the wrong problems. It is never easy but awareness of the assumptions is important. I like the way you made notes and compared. I think that it was a great help in both your learning and your helping your clients.
Assuming is dangerous and can lead to making the wrong decisions. After a good friend kept pointing out how much I assume things, I made a conscious effort to be more open-minded. That has opened me up to new opportunities, friendships and business relationships. Good post!
Yes Lisa, assuming means that you could be living your life on false premises. Good luck with breaking the pattern. It is one some people never seem to learn.
So very, very true…and they take up a lot of energy going round and round in our head as we mull those nasty assumptions over. We often weave them into stories and other silliness that, often when we bother to inquire, we discover isn’t close to the truth and that often whatever is going on has nothing to do with us.
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Tambre, I have to chuckle in reading your comment and thinking about the area and people you work with. Doctor’s always assume death in x weeks or months but we both know people who live many years longer than the doctor’s predict. I once had a doctor tell me that if I did not have a specific operation I would bleed to death – that was over 15 years ago. I watch what I assume doctors know.
Hi Roberta,
Great post and it came at a great time because I was having some issues someone close to me was mad at me for something because he didn’t respond as I was used to. It turned out that he was sick, was working a lot and had been traveling. Then my emotions go in the way and I took it personally, making me vulnerable.
Thanks for sharing this awesome post.
Cindy
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Thanks Cindy for sharing the real time experience. And boy have I seen so many people do the same thing and it kills relationships. It really is all BS thinking on our part.
I think the kind of assumptions you are talking about really are ingrained belief systems. These are below our normal conciousness in how they operate but they affect everything we do.
I had occasion to get to know a teacher who was working with Korean students and she not only took many things very personally she assumed that students were talking trash about her when they spoke Korean! I had to throw on my coaching hat and really help her see how she was assuming things that were hurting her needlessly.
In fact I asked the girls what they were talking about (as they were still looking oddly at their teacher) and it turns out they were talking about her curly hair and how amazing it was. Not negative…exactly the opposite! Understanding is key isn’t it?
We all assume and we all have choice. I choose to assume I know nothing about what is really happening and so approach things with a curious mind rather than a defensive one. Okay..I try to and after much practice have begun succeeding more often than not.
Your belief system is very powerful even though it whispers. Self awareness is key and this article can really kick start that I think…well done.
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Thanks Bonnie. You are right, so much is ingrained and the only way we get out of stuck and excel is through self awareness. It is that other voice that coaches and mentors offer that often help people to see beyond their own assumptions, beliefs and realize how amazing the world can be when we make few assumptions about other people’s thoughts and deeds. But we do also assume things about things – there is a road on the other side of the mountain. There is a back to the house. And all the other things we assume when we are unable to see the other side or beyond the horizon. And so often we get surprised by what is there.