“I’m Right!” says Lucy.
Talk at Me
“No I’m Right!” shouts Sam.
What do you mean you’re right, how can you possibly be right when you never do or say anything right, you loser” screams Lucy.
Sam turns on his heel and walks out of the room.
For many people this has become the level of their communication. The need to establish their rightness rather than work to a goal or a resolution of problems. They claim the other person never listens to them.
And why would you?
If you converse to make yourself important, right or to gain power over, then your objective is achieved when the other person walks out of the room or capitulates.
Exchanges where one party’s goal is control and gain power over the other person, is not a conversation.
Exchanges where trying to guilt the other party into making you feel better, is not a conversation.
Conversation is about exchange. It is about each party sensing that their feelings as well as their words were heard, accepted, acknowledged and appreciated.
But what so often happens is we exchange words and think that is a conversation. We think that because there was talk or writing that a conversation has occurred.
It’s like writing a blog without any comments. And a comment is more than great post Roberta or thanks for the post. It has thought and information relative to something that happened for them when they commentator read the blog.
Conversations build relationships and connection.
Through conversation you can learn about the other person as well as learn something about yourself.
Conversations need to be in the present and have the parties present.
As for the content of the conversation, there is the challenge.
If you have a full agenda and hold everything to the agenda then you have a meeting. A meeting is about getting a result through dialogue. This may seem a contradiction to earlier blogs on this topic and it can be considered so but on the other hand, if we are building relationships than an agenda without openness and flexibility comes back to the diatribe above.
Remember a conversation has roots in having dealings with.
Words do have power. We react to words. We react with words. And words can break our bones or get us stuck and prevent us from excelling.
So today I want to challenge you on the way you converse and the words you use.
If they are emotive, words that create emotion, then are you prepared for the outcome. Or are they words that encourage the exchange and develop the relationship. Words make content.
In the opening statements words like right and loser set a tone and cause a reaction. They set the mood and can cause major challenges for ongoing conversation.
What are the words that stick your conversations?
Roberta
Simplifier, Presenter, Mentor
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh boy… did this bring back a “conversation” held years ago with a coworker who said to me, “We’re nothing but a couple losers.” To which I replied (she was a huge thorn and nemesis to many!!), “Speak for yourself, (insert name here); I am NOT a loser!!” and walked away. I received many secret “YES” comments, and gained a lot of respect for standing up to her.
I loved what you said about if you guilt someone into making you feel better.. I’ve been guilty of that one too many times; however, that is quickly becoming part of my past. It is ME who needs to find what makes me feel better, not someone else.
I’ll be talking more about this in my upcoming book and program people can partake in.
You and I are indeed on a path together along this journey. I’m so honored to be walking with you…..
Likewise PeggyLee. My children were the ones who keep calling me on the guilting trip, I learned my mother’s lessons well. I think one of the valuable things we bring to both the workplace and the community is that we have learned both sides and can work to balance the lessons with new ways of doing things and not get too politically correct in the process so that nothing is achieved. It is a tough balance but I think a useful next evolution step
I love this statement Roberta ….. “work to a goal or a resolution”. If I could make a big sign and show that to everyone before a discussion or conversation, it would make my day!
You bring meaning to what the word ‘conversation’ really means. Once everyone understands how that can be such a positive and powerful impact… our lives would be so much easier. So what to do? Well, I just try to do my best to be a listener, offer a meaningful exchange and most of all, be patient.
Lynn Brown recently posted..How Systems Can Streamline Your Online Business
And sometimes Lynn the goal or resolution can be to find out more about the other person. I know that I still have lots of work to do around conversations. And one thing I have learned is that it is often really difficult for me to be patient and converse with the other person (listen, reflect and share).
Consciously choosing our words, being clear about our intention…both can really change our interactions with others AND ourselves. Great post.
Tambre Leighn recently posted..What Matters
Tambre, I wonder what you will say about my next post. That conscious intention is really important to our interactions.
Very well said “If they are emotive, words that create emotion, then are you prepared for the outcome.” I am very much surprised on how you choose words. I hope to see more great post from you.
Mika Castro recently posted..Glock Sights
Thanks Mika for stopping by both blogs I write. Words are a great tool but words have semantic content and words mean different things to different people
Hello Roberta! Thanks for the reply. I hope to see more great articles from you. I will always visit your site.
Mika Castro recently posted..אילוף כלבים
Such a great article! I totally agree, a real conversation must be a 2way connection between the parties. That is the most important circumstance of the interactivity, and also of the communication.
Julie recently posted..temporary crown
Thanks Julie. It is hard sometimes to get that connection as I write in today’s blog.